Why Kindness (Not Niceness) Is the Backbone of Leadership (020)

Leadership is often framed as a balancing act:

🧭 Performance vs. people.
🚀 Delivery vs. development.
🎯 Accountability vs. empathy.

But there’s one tension I see misunderstood time and again, not just in others, but in myself too:

👉 The difference between being nice and being kind.

It’s easy to default to nice: pleasant, well-liked, conflict averse.
But true leadership? That’s built on kindness, the kind with courage, clarity, and care.

One of my greatest lessons in this didn’t come from a boardroom or business book, but from someone who never led a corporate team, yet influenced generations.

A Lesson from Aunty Matty

If Aunty Matty, my beloved aunt, were alive today, she would have been 108.
And honestly? That wouldn’t have surprised me.
(Side note: Centenarians are on the rise — and she had that kind of staying power.)

She was a force. A hospital matron in Ipoh, Malaysia during WWII. A second mother to her siblings’ children. A pillar in our family and community.

She didn’t have children of her own, but she was there for many of us with unwavering love. As kids, we tiptoed around her — yes, we were nervous — because she held high standards. But it was never cruelty. It was clarity.

She told the truth. She didn’t tolerate disrespect. She was fiercely honest and deeply kind.

Every Christmas, she prepared and organised lunch for families who had less. She visited the sick, even when she herself needed a walker. Whenever I accompanied her on her visit of the sick, or stood beside her peeling potatoes, I observed how she led both family and volunteers, not with loud declarations, but with presence, conviction, and service.

At the time, I thought she was strict. Now I know:
She was kind.
And her kindness had a spine.

Reimagine Leadership: Kind vs. Nice

We often use nice and kind interchangeably — but they are not the same.

Nice

Kind

Seeks approval

Seeks impact

Avoids discomfort

Faces hard truths

Tells people what they want to hear

Tells them what they need to hear and grow

Says yes to keep the peace

Says no when it matters most

Wants to be liked

Wants to be of service

As this HuffPost article puts it:

“Kindness has a backbone. Niceness just wants approval.”

Nice vs. Kind at Work — A Quick Guide

Situation

Nice Response

Kind Response

Giving feedback

“You’re doing great!” (even when there’s an issue)

“Can I offer something that might help you grow?”

Team burnout

“Let’s just push through.”

“We’re stretched. Can we reset priorities or ask for help?”

Vendor underperforms

Stays silent to avoid conflict.

“This isn’t working—how can we improve together?”

Missed deadlines

Smiles and tolerates it.

“What’s getting in the way? Let’s find a solution?”

Mentoring

Only compliments.

Encourages and gives honest guidance.

Leading meetings

Avoids hard topics.

Names the issue gently, then invites solutions.

Nice aims to please. Kindness aims to serve.

✨ This Weekend’s Action

Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

So, here’s your gentle challenge:

1. Do one small, kind thing for someone. It could be sending a message to someone you have not reconnected with, spending a moment with someone or with a pet, any gesture of goodwill.

2. Then pause and observe:

   • What impact did it have on them?

   • Did it shift anything in you?

   • Did you feel lighter? Stronger? More grounded?

Finally, choose one conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Let it be clear. Let it be caring. Let it be real. Let it be kind.

Do reach out if you feel stuck.

💛 Closing with Kindness

Kindness is not weakness.
It is the strength to act with integrity, speak with truth, and lead without losing yourself.

Aunty Matty no longer walks on this earth, but her legacy lives on in every firm word spoken with care, every boundary held with love, and every act of kindness done without fanfare.

✨ Let this be your reminder:
The spark within us burns brightest when it’s fueled by truth, not performance.

To your spark,
Mary
Burn Bright Coach | HR Leader | Your Guide Through the Messy Middle

P.S. My article on "Scale with Care the Human Side of Business Growth" was featured in the May-June issue of Influence Magazine https://online.flippingbook.com/view/856872649/

P.P.S. If you know someone who needs this reminder, forward this to them. We’re all figuring it out, one day at a time. 💛

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